A love letter to the voyeur

Here's an extract from a piece i'm working on at the moment (developed from the telephone piece in To be or not be a Cunt):

I love you.If only now.

If only in these perimeters.

Well love might not be the word but its the first word that comes to mind.

Your my servant, my Master.

You provide me with joy.

The sweet sound, my percussion, my rhythm.

You hit to the beat of my end, my finale.

You love when I leave,

When the action slowly evaporates into the next,

movement cruelly discarded.

If i'm not there to witness the fallout maybe the celebration will linger,

live a bit longer in your conciousness.

Maybe i'll still be there tomorrow.

Forgive my absence.

It doesn't have to come between us.

Maybe someday we can love without any framework at all

Maybe we can just be ourselves.

To be or not to be a Cunt

Recently especially after going to the Edinburgh Fringe i've had loads of ideas for theatre heres a sample of two of them:

1.
An audience is ushered into a room vacant except for exact seating , facing a blank wall in the middle of the space and a microphone stand with a microphone near its base on the floor.
Nothing happens
Nothing happens for 5 minutes
10 minutes goes

An Usher comes to the front of the stage and apologizes for the absence of the performance.

The Usher then rings the performer on a mobile or possibly telephone belonging to the building just in earshot of the audience. The usher ends the call and goes back to the mic stand.

The Usher then produces an envelope and reads the letter it contains aloud.

The Usher then goes back to the phone and a short conversation ensues.

After this the Usher/s rush around putting a table in the middle of the stage with a telephone/mobile on.

Nothing Happens
Nothing Happens again

The phone rings an usher or audience member picks it up.
It is the performer he is late, fatigued and unable to perform but the show must go on, the action must still happen the audience must still applaud at least this is how the performer sees it. So how can it continue? do the audience do the actions instead? can the performer accurately describe/ direct their actions for the show to go on? Or can the audience and ushers create something more?

Perhaps the actor arrives at the end and the audience don't care.

2.
Several Participants are asked on the street or find a number to ring to give contact information for a meeting at a time and date and place in nottingham

It is unsure why they have been picked
Why they have to meet up
But they agree to

The participants arrive at their separate locations and given headphones connected to an audio device

The headphones give instructions to each participant depending on their location they are guided on a journey through the streets of the city encountering various events (unsure what yet- keep havin visions of a alleyway with a guy painting a shop front and him dropping something and asking for it, these are the small interactions which can set sparks fly).
While traveling hopefully participants will pass each other in inadvertently. As they come into contact with their characters surroundings the story unravels but with some fluidity so to give the participants choice of how to interact and other options any of which is acceptable.

These tasks and interaction with performers and participants will culminate in a date. Almost as if they had planned this meeting sometime before but have forgotten. The main idea is to explore the idea of love at first sight how this is possible and impossible (though this maybe quite difficult since participants won't necessarily like each other though through following the narrative this might materialize to some degree). Also i love the idea of orchestrating an audience round a city, whilst they interact with their surroundings having a overall view of there interactions and possibly with each other, then possibly turning it into a kind of narrative.

These pieces are obviously unfinished and need work both still early stages quite vague but interest me in the ideas that surround them. I just hope that they aren't just ideas or words that they actually get into production. I just need this message in my head:

I HAVE NO INTEREST IN TELLING YOU WHAT ANYTHING IS. I HAVE NO INTEREST IN TELLING YOU WHAT I THINK IS RIGHT OR WRONG. THE ONLY THINGS THAT EXIST ARE ENERGY, AMBITION, AND THE DETERMINATION NOT TO LET YOURSELF DOWN BY WALKING AWAY BEFORE THE JOB IS DONE. DO NOT GIVE UP. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR IDEAS HALF-BORN. DO NOT WALK AWAY. BECAUSE OTHERWISE THE ONLY ONES LEFT GOING FORWARD ARE THE CUNTS OF THIS WORLD. AND IF WE GIVE UP AND FADE INTO THE BACKGROUND, THEIR VOICES WILL BE LOUD AND THEIR SIGNAL WILL BE ON ALL THE FREQUENCIES. DO NOT STOP. DO NOT STOP. OR THEY WILL WIN.
Chris Thrope's - One minute manifesto - Forest Fringe August 2010

This is what i need to do think aloud and continue pursue those dreams and get going otherwise some other cunt will do it instead.
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Devising

Group work is ridiculously difficult in both drama and film
the amount of creative people skills you have to exhort are ridiculous mostly i would say tolerance and compromise. As i go into my last week of devising my final year performance i contemplate how differently we should have done things. How we should of spent more time improvising rather than random trips for pub lunch and arguing over things we mostly agree on.
I hate some of the moments we've worked together but i know i also have some amazing interesting crazy people to call friends.
It's been am odd process but i hope this final 5 days do us all proud
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The END OF UNI :(

i have less then 4 months left at university and it scares. Even if anyone raises the question its mostly shouted down with a chorus of boos, shutups and generally negative comments to try to stop the conversation.
I honestly don't know what i'm gonna do my main idea is to work in a pub, but besides being boring i worry i will never get out of it. The other idea is that is to work for a bit of the year then go travelling but have no idea about this at all, where? who with? etc. After that i think i might go on some training courses acting? metalwork? devising work? bussiness?
It's hard to go i want to do THIS because i'm so unsure of my goals and underrate my confidence to achieve any of them anyway. I know i need to build up my confidence and develop my interests, but i don't know what my purpose is.

I might have to make some goals up again for career choices and defiantly book an appointment for career guidance while i can.

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Me and Jesus or Jesus and I

I have been thinking alot about what to do after university - which mostly means working in a pub/ dreaming of something creative to do in my spare time.

Today i had the idea of doing A Complete History Of My Sexual Failures by Chris Waitt style documentary about being the Messiah. As Christians believe in a second coming of Jesus and Jews are still waiting for their Messiah to turn up I wondered if these religion have procedures in practise just in case of such an event. As religion tends to be about this aim surely they have something to do when their saviour comes. Or How do you distinguish who really is the son of God? And How do that I am the Son of God or not?

After researching this subject over 20 minutes now i've become slightly annoyed with the preachy-ness -well durr they're gonna be - of the articles i'm reading and remembering the 'fear of God' that i've battled through after declaring i'm an atheist.

The thing is i was a Catholic at one point, went to a Roman Catholic primary and secondary school. Went to Church every Sunday and Sunday school from age 5 to 11. Prayed to God when I felt bad or wanted something. Hardly ever read the bible. I was given Confession, Communion and Confirmed.

The time I gave it up was when I went to see a Councilor and confessed to my nightmares of God and Satan fighting inside my bedroom. - was defiantly given too much cheese when I was growing up - He then told my Parents and I stopped going to church as much because I had an excuse - it was ruining my mental health - Now i'm not sure how true this statement actually is but I know I have a very strong Super Ego/Conscience which often guilt trips me into doing things I would rather not.

I'm looking at what I've written and realize how much religion has formed me and is a big part of my identity whether I like it or not. One things for sure I need to explore it.

So...Good Idea for a documentary Me and Jesus + how do you identify if you are Jesus or not. Interesting idea maybe slightly juvenile and comic in its naivity.

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Amazing Hangover

So yesterday was probably not the most productive day - as previously planned- but was extremely fun. After seeing 9 in the cinemas (slightly over indulgent- beautifully shot- not V catchy music- Hot Women even Sophia Loran and shes 80ish) we headed to our local and started on the cocktails, then to revolution after a long trek round snow infested empty slippery streets. Where we were given 6 free shots and free oranges and cherries (by this time they were much appreciated) talked to the bar man quite a bit. Then to Tantra where they didn't let in people with trainers on - snobs - their the ones with beds - barely dressed brothel. Followed by Cookie Club where i eventual after a few drinks danced matrix stylee (apparently). Fantiszied about performance work etc. The rest is a bit of a blur ( basically a better night than new years puke-athon)

Anyway...

I woke up this morning with a nice hangover one of those ones where i'm still slightly drunk - tipsy ish- and talk perfectly cus the alcohol has somehow helped connect some wires in my brain which usually have nothing to do with each other. This surge i often question with the idea of constantly being drunk to make my life a lot more interesting without me getting nervous and disrupting my 'perfect style of life'. But seeing this as a near impossibility and possible horror story for my body i sadly won't be living in the gutter. As well as this when walking round the park today i had the audacity to talk/ shout at strangers with varied questions we wanted answers to . Not such a good idea round towns me thinks as i think i would almost certainly get a confrontation and me skinny boy will not be able to handle that. So rather it would be living at the hospital rather than the gutter.
Another idea that this raises is that i thought hangovers were suppose to be hell on earth how come i sometimes get the flip side.

This little light i hope to hold onto gives me confidence a fractured state of possibility.

Bringing me to the confession I sort of love being hungover
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