My Music 2010

Possibly the most beautiful song about breaking up with someone and living the singleton life. This is the first off his unnamed Fifth studio album. The follow up single being the city. From the latest tours it sounds like Patrick has ditched the melancholy of his early work and the depression of his last album (The bachelor) for a more upbeat celebration of life love with a Kylie-esque disco sound. Here's hoping for a successful 2011 for the PW and also a hope that he won't mellow out I still live for those lil experimental tweaks and found sound (see Pumpkin soup)that made his first album (Lyncathropy) so re-listenable.

Note: was listening to PW's Underworld today and was thinking about the video which would include many cut together scenes of Corrie's Underwear factory.

A dutch/Japanease artist, appeared on a few music blogs this year and it grabbed me instantly. The pure cheesiness and over produced-ness somehow sucks you in without the guilt of a guilty pleasure its just a bit of fun, high school musical with some incredible electro hooks. So want to hear more but i'm dreading that he may just be a one-hit-wonder.

Probably the artist of the year if your going by sales, tours and exposure this lil' pop genius needs no introduction. Part of the Fame monster this song deals with loosing yourself in music, drugs, alcohol within an abusive relationship. 'Find your freedom in the music' This really should have been the last single rather than Alejandro which whilst it produced an amazing androgynous orgy of a video was never really a club hit which this could clearly be. I'm looking forward to Born this way, be interesting what Gaga means by 'political', she may have helped bring attention to the 'Don't ask don't tell' law in the US army but can she really muster something that has more substance rather than style. I'm expecting more 'I am what I am' but let's wait and see.

The duo of 80'sesque-epic-melancholy-electro-tunage started the year in the BBC's sound of 2010, Wonderful life was there beacon of what was to come. Though followed up with Better than Love , which was another stand out track of the year the rest of their album was very samey often they had similar lyrics, beats and themes leaving you with the feeling of being short-changed. It was sadly more style than substance, though it has to be said some of the songs they produced were certainly the most interesting and epic sounding pop of 2010.

A love letter to the voyeur

Here's an extract from a piece i'm working on at the moment (developed from the telephone piece in To be or not be a Cunt):

I love you.If only now.

If only in these perimeters.

Well love might not be the word but its the first word that comes to mind.

Your my servant, my Master.

You provide me with joy.

The sweet sound, my percussion, my rhythm.

You hit to the beat of my end, my finale.

You love when I leave,

When the action slowly evaporates into the next,

movement cruelly discarded.

If i'm not there to witness the fallout maybe the celebration will linger,

live a bit longer in your conciousness.

Maybe i'll still be there tomorrow.

Forgive my absence.

It doesn't have to come between us.

Maybe someday we can love without any framework at all

Maybe we can just be ourselves.

Inspiration Point

Recently i've come across some personally and generally inspiring/motivational writing:

The first piece being one of the short stories from David Eagelman's collection called Sum: Tales from the afterlives, a book that has some truly inventive and inciteful philosophies to indulge the mind in, well worth a read or a purchase from only three pounds :)

Subjunctive

In the afterlife you are judged not against other people, but against yourself. Specifically, you are judged against what you could have been. So the afterworld is much like the present world, but it now includes all the yous that could have been. In an elevator you might meet more successful versions of yourself, perhaps the you that chose to leave your hometown three years earlier, or the you who happened to board an airplane next to a company president who then hired you. as you meet theses yous, you experience a pride of the sort you feel for a successful cousin: although the accomplishments don't directly belong to you, it somehow feels close.

But soon you fall victim to intimidation. These yous are not really you, they are better than you. They made smarter choices, worked harder, invested the extra effort into pushing on closed doors. These doors eventually broke open for them and allowed their lives to splash out in colorful new directions. Such success cannot be explained away by a better genetic hand; instead, they played your cards better. In their parallel lives, they made better decisions, avoided moral lapses, did not give up on love so easily. They worked harder than you did to correct their mistakes and apologized more often.

Eventually you cannot stand hanging around these better yous. You discover you've never felt more competitive with anyone in your life.

You try to mingle with the lesser yous, but it doesn't assuage sting.In truth, you have little sympathy for these less significant yous and more than a little haughtiness about their indolence. "If you had quit watching TV and gotten off the couch you wouldn't be in this situation," you tell them, when you bother to interact with them at all.

But the better yous are always in your face in the afterlife. In the bookstore you'll see one of them arm in arm with the affectionate woman whom you let slip away. Another you is browsing the shelves, running his fingers over the book he actually finished writing. And look at this one jogging past outside: he's got a much better body than yours, thanks to a consistency at the gym that you never kept up.

Eventually you sink into defensive posture, seeking reasons why you would not want to be so well behaved and virtuous in any case. You grudgingly befriend some of the lesser yous and go drinking with them. Even at the bar you see the better yous, buying rounds for their friends, celebrating their latest good choice.

And thus your punishment is cleverly and automatically regulated in the afterlife: the more you fall short of your potential, the more of these annoying selves you are forced to deal with.

Copyright goes to the author. No Copyright infringement intended.

The piece is more personal and comes from my late grandmothers collection of poems.

Christopher John Michael (My Grandson)

Christopher John Michael, babe of "89"

I hope your days will always be fine

Bright eyes shining, resolute and true

Ready, willing and able

My wishes to you

Schoolboy of the nineties there's hope to your life

Exciting roads to follow dreams to pursue

May it be inspiring, may it all come true

But be wary don't let danger threaten

To thine ownself be true

Which job will you hold, which road will you choose?

Steeplejack, Writer, Lawyer who knows?

But whatever you do, whatever the score

Be honest, have courage

You cannot do more

The twenty - first century will come and go

You will be here to say "Hello, greetings and Best Wishes"

We all want to say and with good luck we will keep wars at bay

With all our resources, a better world to live in

A vision to fulfil.

Margaret Tsoukatos

I was ever so proud when I found this poem I hope some day I can write a suitable reply to the amazing woman that wrote this. Gran you give me hope,inspiration and a power - rest in piece.

Fuck it

Sometimes I think that when the bomb strikes we won't care we will turn the channel over, we watch another channel then as we are watching home shopping channels, tv quiz and gameshows the bomb succumbs us. We evaporate into nothing but dust.

This isn't some random prediction but a vague attempt at an analogy of todays personal politics. They are just too many people who don't give a shit.

To be continued...

The evening after the previous morning of the night before

To give this some context this was written after a drunken memory void night out, in a (terrible clichéd) coffee shop the following morning. Forgive any notion of grandiosity it is stained in blood sweat and alcohol.

I'm I'm not sure what to write, except I have a need to put it into words document and sure its exacted. I'm not sure i've anything to write that hasn't already been written before. Though comforting to think that i'm repeating the same words of some great philosopher or some deluded Psychopath. I then feel disgraced. I want to rub faeces around the transcript and fuck it to a pulp. It's wrong. I want Original. I don't want to paint by numbers. It's a falsity. Like a mind to paper, pen existence. It misses immediacy, orginality, the achievement of the masters.

I think, then think, then condense, then forget, then fuck around, eat, then write, blaspheme.

Think, then think, walking, pondering, writing, imprinted on a blood vessel hidden to be thought of later, forget, then thought of, and forgot again and until in surprise I find out my brain has come up with some miraculous theory. A way through to something more, better. Enlightenment reigns, if only temporarily.

The thing is i'm just complaining on a piece of tree with ink. What use is it? What is the point for such artifice of rebellion, when all is just in print, a static framework. Such a deluded voice, it seems to be radical but wheres the raw scrawls the picketlines, the Fucking.

And then I think about the drinking, the thought, the action that brought me here, an attempt to try to explain. The Want the Need to Fuck and be Fucked. The Art of Forgetting and Wondering into the imaginary landscape of dicks arseholes vaginas the excessive pleasure which is never enough and just a momentary blip into forgetting again and partly remembering what's next...

p.s. 05/12/10 I retain no explanation of this ranting. The thought i'd like to leave you with is an apology to a past of stupidity, a pathetic-ness; a self which is slowly fading.

The unmistakeable Moi

I don't know where I am. Where I exists? There is a body a skeleton, muscle structure, a anatomic structure without the muscles you see in science labs, in school text books.

Though this is not me this is the structure in which I dwell. The object I sometimes control.

It is not normal, it is not humane it is a body.

I never asked for it. I have never been in dialogue with the architect, the planning officer. There was no price for the fabrics. Though I know the commissioners, nature or something beyond it brought me here. It just occured, suddenly happened

Part of me, I'm not sure which part fought for my life.

I'm not sure what is the sperm and what parts the egg as they seem to have merged together. These two anonymous entities made me and gave me this.

P.s. A tune with similar thoughts = HURTS - Mother Nature

P.s.s. Now (01/11/10) Reading The Blank Slate by Steve Pinker about how we view the human mind and body - still on introduction

Little Tombstones

I have just got a new job, like most of my jobs so far its in catering.

And from previous experience and this present one there is always this weird endeavour to be better/being more personal to customers satisfy there every need but also to clean up after customers as soon as humanly possible.

Everyday you clean the same place the same tables, cutlery, make the same food in the same pots and pans. The 'rubbish' is cleaned off the tables and the last trace of that customer is vanished. Surely if they truly valued customers contributions, cafes and restaurants would make sure they were remembered not just disposed of. They are otherwise just a number a unrespected provider of fortune.

I was also reading Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk, at the time, one of the characters Denny collects stones 'it's like rocks are a kit. It's land, but with some assembly required...landownership '

He stores the stones in the house but as he brings several home everyday the collection becomes overwhelming so he starts to build something with the stones he's collected with no plans of the final structure the process continues. It is an ongoing building think 'Tantric Architecture' 'It's a process its not about getting something done...Every rock is a tombstone, a little monument to each day where the work most people do just evaporates or expires or becomes instantly outdated the moments it's done...the only thing we don't know is how this will turn out. And what's more we don't want to know'

One of my friends who has just been to America recently put up some photos and this reminded me again of this idea of a building in process. This one being covered by chewing gum and anything that can be stuck to it.

My Cafe proposal is an empty space with a bar selling food and drink. The walls are covered with tubes, wires (where waste food and liquids flow around to be recycled within the grounds of the site ) with one wall made up of a series of empty boxes which is where cutlery is disposed sometimes recycled other times made permanent fixtures. It is essentially a eco cafe with an ever changing landscape a building that didn't stop being outside and inside past present and future constantly emerging, to no specific goal just a being that respects its participants and its surroundings.

Any suggestions/other examples would be much appreciated

x

MAY NEED EDITING

Fearne and...

Yesterday I was watching Fearne and... , as I do every week (how amazing I am) and suddenly...

like out of nowhere...

I realized...

Fearne Cotton is the worst interviewer I've ever had the displeasure to observe.

It's as though she treats this as a school project, quoting off Wikipedia what shes found out about this person and saying it over and over again cus' she has no more material/ done any research. Making the vaguest assumptions about famous people, such as they are a Rockstar so therefore are like that all the time and have no ability whatsoever to do domestic chores, cus' their so Rockkk!!!!!!! and couldn't possibly do anything else except mosh, sing, play instruments and have their hands permanently paralysed into Devil Horns.

Though this week Beth Ditto did in this weeks episode 'stage invade' a 30 seconds to Mars gig by sweeping the floor.

Though to be honest Fearne's 'stage invade' is nothing of the sort she brushes at Jared Leto'[s feet when about thirty other people are also on stage

But this won't deter Fearne from declaring it CRAZY ROCKSTAR ANTICS, spontaneous etc.

And to be fair this is utterly bizarre to Miss Cotton/ only Miss Cotton.

This is because she is a self confessed GEEK, this is the half the problem. From an early age Fearne has presented first as the host of Disney Club then Diggit, Top of the Pops, The Xtra Factor and many other childrens and music shows followed. It seems she has led a very sheltered ,under developed life as though her career has grown around her and suffocated her brain. Now this may seem slightly harsh but who doesn't know about calling up Paparazzi i.e. in the Perez Hilton episode; and how can you possibly think celebrities are some sort of demi-gods when you are one yourself and have interviewed so many. Surely you can see that they are all just people with publicists. Its utter delusion.

She is also a wimp almost refusing to sing with Beth at a Karaoke bar this is not a good quality to have when your suppose to be 'partying' with them, sure you need a straight interviewer but why can't you just have a laugh without giving an embarrassed smirk to camera.

Her main objective in each episode it seems is to find the real person that hides behind the headlines, now this sort of made sense in the Perez Hilton episode but Beth Ditto she just keeps saying about how she's seen the REAL BETH DITTO. Now I'm not going to go too highbrow on this but there is only so many times you can fit this sentence into one programme. How does she expect this when you spend so little time with person and when you do spend time with that person you are followed by cameras the whole way.

Anyway in conclusion Fearne and... is bollocks.... and I will continue watchin the butchering of the interview genre.

You gotta love the car crash.

x

- Helpful website

Crossing the line

Your too young for commitment, just have fun while you can

I don't do one night stands.

We can date after if you want.

Just a few quotes in the confusion of gay relations which have been said to me recently. (paraphrased)

I have no idea what i want.

Whenever i meet someone for the first time boy/girl i often have this enormous lust to be with them, a weird intensity, its like a potion has just exploded lingering around this person and i can't get enough of it. It doesn't mean i want to be with them have a relationship, get married have kids its just a feeling of closeness i don't know what direction it will take or which way to favour.

As I'm sort of against marriage believing it to be a way for demonising and restricting sexuality, castrating desires for financial reasons. This is not to say that marriage doesn't work for some people but i'd rather not have to tolerate someone just because i'm trapped in this entanglement or trapped in a relationship trying to make it work when we are completely ill suited.

Though this is not to say i wouldn't want a relationship. From past experience i quite enjoy being with someone, the comfort, the sharing, the routine, the sex etc. Learning about someone is in fact maybe one of my favourite past times.

I'm just a ball of confusion, that is going round a closed maze.

x

(atm I feel weirdly Asexual/Non-sexual 24/09/2010)

Gender

Inspired by this...I have wrote this piece.

I've never thought myself as a boy.

Or at least fully.

This is not to say that I have not clutched to my gender at times i.e. stopping myself doing Dance on saturday's activity club and instead doing drama cus' dance was for girls.

But i've always hated the macho absolute male, the bulging muscles action hero, the fighter, the superior. It just wasn't me i hadn't earnt a superior stature and didn't want it either, it felt uneasy and ridiculous.

And this is not because I'm gay, that would be ludicrous, a complete misreading of what i'm saying and possibly quite close minded.

It is because I hate the boundaries it enforces. The pointless restrictions that oppress and confuse the identity and the confine possibility.

Yes we look different underneath but when does that matter except in the bedroom or at the doctors. And even you still believe the gender divide you must agree we live our lives in clothes in artifices of the body, ideas, ideologies of being. In effect we live on the exterior of the body rather then inhabit the practise of what the body is. (This may be further explained in another Rant/ better explained in Butler's Gender Trouble) These are ideas are changeable. If they are restrictive why not attempt to change them or step out of them all together.

and possibly one day i'll go for those lessons I missed out on.

(Recent Biological study discussing how similar the two genders are : http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4251968.stm)

X

p.s. Chris Goode's Blog is AWESOME

p.p.s. TED is too

Love Love Love Love I want your... Babies

I Love Chavs on the back of the bus asking for a shag round someones houseparty

I Love how my Dad gets stupidly frustrated about shitty singers on Xfactor

I Love Kranky Klaus probably the best and most evil Santa tradition (think somewhere between Santa, Jackass and the Gruffalo)

I Love Flirting

I Love Hurts (Happiness) and Sia's (We are Born) new album

I Love how Pea Green Boats will be continuing :)

I Love eating Ben & Jerry's knowing full well that i can't eat sugar


I Sorta Love life at the moment

just waiting for the job to sink my student lifestyle

To be or not to be a Cunt

Recently especially after going to the Edinburgh Fringe i've had loads of ideas for theatre heres a sample of two of them:

1.
An audience is ushered into a room vacant except for exact seating , facing a blank wall in the middle of the space and a microphone stand with a microphone near its base on the floor.
Nothing happens
Nothing happens for 5 minutes
10 minutes goes

An Usher comes to the front of the stage and apologizes for the absence of the performance.

The Usher then rings the performer on a mobile or possibly telephone belonging to the building just in earshot of the audience. The usher ends the call and goes back to the mic stand.

The Usher then produces an envelope and reads the letter it contains aloud.

The Usher then goes back to the phone and a short conversation ensues.

After this the Usher/s rush around putting a table in the middle of the stage with a telephone/mobile on.

Nothing Happens
Nothing Happens again

The phone rings an usher or audience member picks it up.
It is the performer he is late, fatigued and unable to perform but the show must go on, the action must still happen the audience must still applaud at least this is how the performer sees it. So how can it continue? do the audience do the actions instead? can the performer accurately describe/ direct their actions for the show to go on? Or can the audience and ushers create something more?

Perhaps the actor arrives at the end and the audience don't care.

2.
Several Participants are asked on the street or find a number to ring to give contact information for a meeting at a time and date and place in nottingham

It is unsure why they have been picked
Why they have to meet up
But they agree to

The participants arrive at their separate locations and given headphones connected to an audio device

The headphones give instructions to each participant depending on their location they are guided on a journey through the streets of the city encountering various events (unsure what yet- keep havin visions of a alleyway with a guy painting a shop front and him dropping something and asking for it, these are the small interactions which can set sparks fly).
While traveling hopefully participants will pass each other in inadvertently. As they come into contact with their characters surroundings the story unravels but with some fluidity so to give the participants choice of how to interact and other options any of which is acceptable.

These tasks and interaction with performers and participants will culminate in a date. Almost as if they had planned this meeting sometime before but have forgotten. The main idea is to explore the idea of love at first sight how this is possible and impossible (though this maybe quite difficult since participants won't necessarily like each other though through following the narrative this might materialize to some degree). Also i love the idea of orchestrating an audience round a city, whilst they interact with their surroundings having a overall view of there interactions and possibly with each other, then possibly turning it into a kind of narrative.

These pieces are obviously unfinished and need work both still early stages quite vague but interest me in the ideas that surround them. I just hope that they aren't just ideas or words that they actually get into production. I just need this message in my head:

I HAVE NO INTEREST IN TELLING YOU WHAT ANYTHING IS. I HAVE NO INTEREST IN TELLING YOU WHAT I THINK IS RIGHT OR WRONG. THE ONLY THINGS THAT EXIST ARE ENERGY, AMBITION, AND THE DETERMINATION NOT TO LET YOURSELF DOWN BY WALKING AWAY BEFORE THE JOB IS DONE. DO NOT GIVE UP. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR IDEAS HALF-BORN. DO NOT WALK AWAY. BECAUSE OTHERWISE THE ONLY ONES LEFT GOING FORWARD ARE THE CUNTS OF THIS WORLD. AND IF WE GIVE UP AND FADE INTO THE BACKGROUND, THEIR VOICES WILL BE LOUD AND THEIR SIGNAL WILL BE ON ALL THE FREQUENCIES. DO NOT STOP. DO NOT STOP. OR THEY WILL WIN.
Chris Thrope's - One minute manifesto - Forest Fringe August 2010

This is what i need to do think aloud and continue pursue those dreams and get going otherwise some other cunt will do it instead.
x

Just so you know i'm brilliant

I hate fakers.

Hates the wrong word but its the first word to come to mind.

People that go through their lives pretending everything is amazing they compliment you about your new clothes, hairstyle or whatever vacuous nonsense they lay their eyes on. Then as they go on their lives are so amazing the relationships perfect or being single is the best thing ever.

I'm not saying these can't be true but its when everytime you talk to them they go on about their seemingly amazing life whilst expecting you to go on about how shit yours are.

This works even better if you divulge your pain first which is quickly discarded to marvel at how they have managed to get off scott-free from any of life's little traumas.

This is also not to say that one can't make the best of your situation or put on a brave face. It is to believe you are better and bitch about those who respect you.

Smarmy is the wrong word but the first word that comes to mind.

I want raw and passionate people gutesy brilliant people not self promoters - people who think themselves as marketing machines for their own popularity. Open interesting explorers unafraid of the powers that enforce. People who realize that emotion is a powerful force not a fickle weapon or source of weakness. Bleed out your thoughts.

Queer thought of the day

An interesting subversion.


What if Boys and Girls had drinking apparatus designated by sex.
For a Boy it was shaped as a penis.
For a Girl it was Shaped as a vagina.
They both would drink from a penis/vagina so therefore a homoerotic object surely, in touching orally, a sexed body part.
Although if these drinking apparatus were assigned by sex surely they only represent the gender of the owner not a sexual act.
Though the fact there are now two genitalia one of the owner of the drinking apparatus and another in the form of the drinking apparatus itself creates a conflict.
As we assign identity from genitalia there is seemingly two identities conflicting in the intimate act of orally touching another and a judgment is made through the values of these symbols.
Is it Homoerotic or is it just an overt showing of the way we categorize identity?

God i have weird thoughts before going to sleep.

Fashion + Perversity

Have just finished my first book of the Summer, Fashion + Perversity by Fred Vermorel, about the life and times of Miss Vivienne Westwood (1950s-1995) by one of her brothers oldest friends.

It is split into three different chapters the first is a collection of anecdotes and interviews that people around Westwood or Westwood herself has divulged about her upbringing, her relationship with Malcom Mcalaren, the infamous SEX boutique, the SEX PISTOLS and much more. Though you do come from it feeling slightly shortchanged as there are so many nuggets and stories told and not enough detail that most of it feels quite throwaway. Bit and pieces stuck together like a mood board vaguely flowing together but never giving much clarity to the bigger picture. This is also reflected in the structure of the chapter with timelines obscured by the juxtaposition of Viennes's childhood and the odd relationship between Malcom and Vivienne. (M+V)

The Second Chapter however is rather different the author this time speaks from his own experience giving us a good few stories about M+V, as well as going into the authors life and the circumstances which surrounded the art scene, punk movement and French Riots of the 1970s. Though it feels a bit like he got the advance from the publisher to talk about M+V and really wanted to write his own autobiography seeing as this takes up most of the pages. Don't get me wrong there is some interesting parts to this indulgence if only for his reference points, it just never gets exciting as you hope it would be, only wavering on the sidelines.

The Third Chapter is most disappointing it is a collection of random annecdotes through1960's-1995 when he interviewed various people from the Vivienne Westwood team as they were to bring their 'Les femmes ne connaissent pas toute leur coquetterie' (Women do not know all their coquettishness.) collection to Paris for their annual catwalk show. It offers the sort of anecdotes a person tells you when they have run out of anything to say, a nothingness which is neither insightful or particularly interesting, just a bit pointless.

Though for its flaws I would recommend this book for its humorous first two chapters, to flick through but never to read the entirety as it never gives anything but a fleeting glance of Westwood or her partner. This is not a definitive guide but a appetizer for its interesting subject matter.

x

P.s. The author is now apparently a University Lecturer and has produced videos that are owned by Saaitchi, written many different books mostly about media and fandom. Not sure i can believe it. There is hope for me afterall :)

Life coach

It's just this anger that sometimes comes why am i not? why aren't you? what are you? a questioning self a governing self that wants better wants more, craves a better. I want self-improvement i want to continue to improve and am angry that i don't do everything that comes to my head, i'm angry that i don't do everything to the best of my ability or screw over my motives by being ridiculously drunk and ruining .

I'm starting a piece at the moment called lifecoach its about failed and often desperate attempts to self improve, become better, be better at everything. The constant critical anaylisis of every move the motive of self and presenting a self. Self evaluation being a terrible, morbid, a torturing existence but it also presents an ability to be as one wants a blank slate. I suppose its also about 'the actor' trying failing and succeeding and failing again at becoming another.

Think i might be going to a class on life coaching for a bit of inspiration, not sure so need to get round creative people again i feel a bit useless with just a pen and paper.
x

Attempts on a Poem

Some random poetry/thought type things from self identity to love and bullshit

1.
I don't know what I've been told
Is Truth or Lies but I behold
The Truth of me myself and I
The reality of self and mine.

2. Cleansed quotes

Love me or kill me

The condition of love is isolation from the rest of the world

Theres something very rotten here. And yet...I thought it was paradise

Quick one

Been out CV dropping on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday in mostly boiling heat, handed out 35+ CV's whilst going to at least 60ish places. Only 1 interview how crap is that, then again when was the last time someone was offered a job there and then.

When out last night with Lauren, Amy and Imogen around loads of random bars - loved it really good conversation interesting people and even some hot guys in the gay bars we found :)

Found a few things that might be interesting need to find time to write them up

x

Hunting

Job hunting got off to a slow start today not many CV's handed out (4 i think) though went round around 10 places no where seemed to have many vacancies.
Got distracted mostly by meeting up with a friend and goin to Notts castle trying to be a bit cultured and ending up just walking through most of the exhibitions cus they are the same things I saw when I went there @ 5 yearS old (So they're at least 15 years old). We even paid 50p for an exhibition of some of the props from the latest Robin Hood upon entering we quickly got bored since we hadn't even seen the film + the exhibition itself was just one room = waste of money.

Other than that i had a pretty boring day though i did see a pensioner staring out his front room hands pressed against the windowsill arms up as our bus stopped he looked really disapprovingly at everything in his eye line (including me), probably a Daily Mail reader. Then the house next to him a Dog in the same position with a naive look in his eye looked out and looked over at him, how odd, made me giggle as if the dog was like what the hell are you doing

Tommorrow: Hopefully go to Gym (if i can find my membership card)+ hand out more glorious CV's

Three
x

To be or not to be?

I've done a few of these collage type things but I do wonder if anyone besides myself thinks they are any good, they are mangled together magazines postcards etc. though they sort of, to me at least, represent something a bit more.
It's about the unknowing naive student trying to identify itself in the process of learning and of trying to assume an identity whilst constantly changing through influence. Or something like that.
This piece is a collection of bodies including Whistler's Mother's head, a sunset and part of a smoking advert. I just like how the bodies awkwardly interlock and the words 'got my soul got my back got myself got my arms got my hands got my fingers got my legs got my feet'.

Gym Day- Relaxation is the Enemy

Been to the Gym for the first time in years and it was actually quite fun.

So being my Dad's regular Gym he gave me a tour of all the equipment:

The Treadmills
The Bikes
The Cross-trainers
Rowing machines, Weights, Floor mats exercise balls BLAH BLAH BALAH BLAH GYM GYM GENERIC GYM STUFF BLAHBLAHBLAH
and then he showed me possibly the most bizarre piece of equipment:

The Vibration Plate exercise machine

somewhere between:

A Lazy man's exercise/masturbation device

AND

when you try to balance on something and then after a while of trying to keep yourself steady you fall off and possibly break a bone or two.

Firstly you pick a vibration intensity, then a time, half min - 2min and then do some sort of press-up position (below) trying to keep yourself on it without a. falling off b. vibrating yourself into a gas substance c. trying to keep face when the vibrations are causing you so much pain, and as the main reason to being in a gym is to look manly,and never ever to feel the burn when you have previously been told that it was easy by your 64 year old father (boy was he lying)


Besides that it was quite fun the sauna, shower room (or from now on The Room where you hardly breath) and the jacuzzi were a bit of a let down but they did their bit alright i suppose.

Besides the Gym i failed to do what i planned to do today i.e. get a job through plastering my CV other Nottingham shire, as my printer doesn't work and my Parents one had run out of ink so decided to print it in brilliant PINK just to make sure my employers had a forewarning of the Gay presenting his infectious CV. Though have printed 20 today after buying a 40ish pound ink cartridge and WILL be distributed to ALL GOOD RETAILERS by the end of the next day.

Another development today was my realization that I need to do things my brain cannot be idle it has too many things to say and do. This may seem slightly arrogant like I'm declaring I'm a complete boffin or that in the Gym my instructor drilled it into me like an army major that i must blunk up cus I'm not a man i'm a Pussy (My instructor was actually really nice). No I realize I often over think things and this can make me paranoid and useless, a theory before a practice - pointless. So i really need to keep myself busy that is why for the first time in ages i've actually updated this blog two days in a row. GO ME:)

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Still reading:
Fashion + Perversity: A Life of Vivienne Westwood and the sixties laid bare by Fred Vermorel
It's quite fun so far but maybe too many incomplete stories due to it being based on anecdotes and scraps of information- Anyway i'll give a better review when i've finished.

Continum of Bull

I've been back home for just under a week now. And it's time i really knuckle down. The thing is i've been neglecting the most important fact.

I DO NOT HAVE A JOB
and i really really really need one.

No Uni to fall back onto now its the friggin Real World and I need the cash

So Tommorrow my CV will finally be published and Distributed to waiting employers ready to be arse licked by me into giving me an Okish Retail or Catering job.

And for extra publicity my number is 07875210851 (Though contact may vary depending on whether I gave a false number)

In other News I've got my first session at the Gym tomoro with Dad in tow to guide me round should be exciting its got jacuzzi's, saunas and swimming pool too which is a much welcome Extra given the Heat at the moment.

Other Top News Stories Include:

1. Amanda Bynes has recently confirmed she is quitting acting - Something I didn't really care about but thought was quite amusing since she blatantly can't act unless you consider the combination of shouting and gurning Oscar worthy . Don't get me wrong though, I did like The Amanda Show and her ridiciulousness its just she expects everyone to care even though she isn't even tabloid worthy fodder.

2. The Cheeky Girls will be performing at Nottingham Pride - Amazing how they have stretched a three minute audition into a life long career. Can't wait to see them gonna be Funny as.


Currently Trying to Read: Fashion + Perversity: A Life of Vivienne Westwood and the sixties laid bare by Fred Vermorel
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writing FAIL

I would like to write as fast as i could think, coding my thoughts into language at a quicker process, think of the right words without having to pause for ages trying to think what THAT WORD that fits perfectly into this gap is. Perfectly explain Queer Theory to bigots. Explain my conceptual ideas that often i can't even begin to explain.

It is clear that i need to continue to push myself in talking and reading so that my vocab keeps being topped up and these words aren't seen as collections of characters put together to form 'words' which are used in conjunction with phonemes in speech to create language. They are a tool for expression and i must grasp this with passion test myself and continue to grow.

Book attempting to read: Foucault's The History of Sexuality 1:The will to knowledge
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Devising

Group work is ridiculously difficult in both drama and film
the amount of creative people skills you have to exhort are ridiculous mostly i would say tolerance and compromise. As i go into my last week of devising my final year performance i contemplate how differently we should have done things. How we should of spent more time improvising rather than random trips for pub lunch and arguing over things we mostly agree on.
I hate some of the moments we've worked together but i know i also have some amazing interesting crazy people to call friends.
It's been am odd process but i hope this final 5 days do us all proud
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MEGA FILMAGE

I read Ultra culture 's blog nearly every day since its pretty much the best movie blog i've come across, funny, entertaining, informative to an extent and an update on the trailers you actually want to see on the side bar.

I was casual reading it yesterday and saw this was going to be the next film screening they were hosting

Trash Humpers not the most inviting title but pretty intriguing non the less took a look at it creeped me out so i thought... i need to see it plus it is by the same guy that did Gummo (A film i've been meaning to see for for ages). I like interesting different films like this something showing some individuality, something that makes you feel something that you've never felt or feel uncomfortable because :) (So need to read Artaud's Theatre of Cruelty)

Must must must see more films, been letting down the side
human centipede anyone?
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start of a beginning

Just finished my dissertation on tuesday and had quite a good night celebrating it/ few days
2nights out 2 nights in :( 1 theatre trip to see some cool new work at the BAC

So what is there left to do at uni?
1 small essay & a performance one massive 45 minute devised piece which is just about to take over my life for the next 3 weeks

This brings me on to devising and performing group work and my own pieces which i hope to talk about in the next few blog entries.

It feels like the end of uni is near and i don't like it for various reasons but mostly friends, need money, need job have no clearer idea what i'm doing for the rest of the year. But then again i can always think of it of new building blocks to play with :)

The D Word

Dissertation now has one week and 5 days to be completed i'm shitting myself but for some reason my response is to procrastinate the whole day and i have to go home for a few days so the said 1 week 5 days is more like 1week 2 days, if that.

I'm scared of failure as well as ridiculously bored of looking at this screen. When i enter my room i look at it in contempt a prison where your tortured by ridiculously long essays i.e. 10,000 word; and even worse is the subject matter transvestism in contemporary performance, which to be fair seems alluring with interest. However this essay must use deconstruction theory and not only that but one author (Judith Butler) who has been accredited to be one of the most in comprehensive way of writing as well as Derrida who is near impossible to phantom.

Oh God if only I was the only one who felt like this, facebook status's are constantly updated with loathing drivel of word counts, frustation and general bullshit to procrastinate from the horror that truelly is dissertation.

Anyway here goes the final push the last stand against this beast which shall finally be vanquished just in time to enjoy the last month of uni.

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HOT

I recently found these two hotties on Electroqueer
their music is not bad but think i'm slightly in love with them as they are hot twins from south africa mmm..mmm...mmm...
why do hot boys always make my mind go blank :s
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oh and heres some music by them

Fear of the Mundane

I remember watching Newswipe at least a month ago, the episode was about Fear and destruction a vice which the media often use to lure in potential readers/viewers. The obvious examples of terrorism, knife crime etc. were used, all of which are a scary potential. The thing is it really masks how we feed off the fear to hide away from the mundaneness of life, we leap on the bandwagon to be concerned with something that apparently has a purpose or motion i.e. worry. It makes us justify our world view keeps us talking but also in someways restricts. But mostly it masks the mundaneness of our 'true' existence.

On reflecting on this now I realize how we prioritize things just for this purpose and not just drinking, relationships. This goes back to previous blogs of a breakup in an almost pointless relationship we went out nearly every time we saw each other we even first met while particularly pissed, i saw him more of a one night stand (a first for me). We had very little in common he was doing graphic design - obsessed with image to a disgusting (can't think of a better word) extent - loved general pop music (me liking mainstream as well as random alt stuff)and was generally quite uneasy when he spoke candidly often dressing up things with pointless phrases/ sidelining issues.

So why have i been so hung up over it? why would it matter if i 'broke up' with him?

Sure the ending of it was pretty horrendous but forgiving that theres a nagging 'I want it back' even though he didn't mean much. Ok he was Hot as well but I really think the reason is that i'm a third year student surrounded by work to do i.e. 10000 word dissertation, am with my housemates alot and generally go out too much which at times with housemates can be pretty samey especially in winchester. In need of excitement i need fun, variety something more than writing essays talking to the same people 24/7. And why can't I so glad this week is mostly dedicated to going out with people other then housemates need new blood and need to be away from them again to value them again.

I'm generally scared of mundanity - ME WANT EXCITEMENT

The END OF UNI :(

i have less then 4 months left at university and it scares. Even if anyone raises the question its mostly shouted down with a chorus of boos, shutups and generally negative comments to try to stop the conversation.
I honestly don't know what i'm gonna do my main idea is to work in a pub, but besides being boring i worry i will never get out of it. The other idea is that is to work for a bit of the year then go travelling but have no idea about this at all, where? who with? etc. After that i think i might go on some training courses acting? metalwork? devising work? bussiness?
It's hard to go i want to do THIS because i'm so unsure of my goals and underrate my confidence to achieve any of them anyway. I know i need to build up my confidence and develop my interests, but i don't know what my purpose is.

I might have to make some goals up again for career choices and defiantly book an appointment for career guidance while i can.

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What the fuck was I thinking? My heart's been sinking Down through my stomach, right down to my feet

Patrick wolf -Queen Isabella (She-Wolf of France)on the damaris EP
just a song that just reminds me of bad relationships and my catharsis for the past two days
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The Fall

I'm watched this film twice first of all i didn't really get it i was expecting something else though still loved the visuals. Then after describing it to a housemate I watched it again and saw the charm of it all and it fell --mostly - into place quite nicely.
The thing is it is quite a hard story to pigeonhole - which it may do better for it - but the fact the two central protagonists are so different in age one a 9 year girl (Alexandra-Catinca Untaru)another in his mid twenties (Roy Walker - Lee Pace)confuses me with what target audience they were aiming it at.
The Story sets self around an LA hospital in the 1920's where a stunt man and an inquisitive young Spanish girl meet by chance and start talking. Their relationship develops as Roy tells her a story which he gives in fragments in exchange for certain gifts which Alexandra provides from around the hospital. This becomes quite annoying at times due to the story which he tells being so beautifully shot full of colour, bringing us back back to childhood fairytales of old and it being stopped by events in the hospital. It leaves you wishing the story was just told in its entirety but on second viewing i realize it is important in establishing the story to coincide with the events in the hospital.
Another problem is it starts out as a period piece with a beautiful story but as we learn darker themes are involved the original fairy story changes to much draker affair encompassing suicide, love, betrayal and death. Which leaves an uneasy target audience to woo in .Though i also respect the different approach that Tarsem takes ignoring the commercial aspect of film making - narratively at least - and rather explores immense cinematography which i can see unrivaled in its epic scope. From deserts, oceans, palaces on lakes, gardens, palaces and many other of our worlds wonders including The Taj Mahal which is the backdrop for a shootout with love.

The acting though some maybe a bit shaky Alexandra played by Catinca Untaru is atonishing as the young girl with such natural flare for acting in front of camera. If i were compare her it would defiantly be Dakota Fanning the other child actor that i can stand i.e. not from a stage school where they drain all orginality/ creativity out of you - which i'm led to believe by many annoying wannabes in CBBC/CITV tv etc.

I think anyone who loves beautifully shot, general film making (there being an ode to the silent stuntmen of the period), brilliant acting (all except maybe the princess obviously swyed the casting director with looks rather than any acting creditability)and quirky storytelling should buy or defiantly watch this film.


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V for Vendetta

I finished this book a week ago and have an urge to read it again. I first heard about it through the Wachowski brothers film by the same name in 2005. I loved the shear gritty yet playful touch used with such current issues of fear, terrorism and authoritarian regimes. Written in the 80's it still hasn't lost any of its excitement or power through the years, but if you want to read it make sure you don't watch the film first as the film is quite true to the book with a few additions and edits. I really love it and can't wait to read Watchmen which is also by Alan Moore (story writer). I'm getting into my comic book at the moment i suppose cus i miss the childishness the artwork and ease of it all + there being some amazing stories out there.

Next book MAUS by Art Spiegelman
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Music I love

I haven't been up to much of late just ignoring how close it is before i go back to uni and the immanent deadline thats this monday- 800 words out of 2500- some work to do. Should really be in bed but as usual my surfing habits have got the better of me and then I was led to write this as i'm waiting to wash my mouth out from the mouthwash which the dentist gave me - 15 minutes seriously.
Anyhow during my surfing today i made this youtube playlist on my channel. It's a compliation of tunes that I really can't get out of my head.
1. Yeasayer - "Ambling Alp" Secretly Canadian
I saw this on MTV2 yesterday morning i immediatly wrote the name down on my hand in thick yellow feltip so when i had got access to the internet,then heard it on radio 1 on the journey to winchester. Reminds me of a more acoustic Late of the Pier with big drums - which you see in the video. What really stuck me was the nu-rave/surreal beauty with naked women runnning down brown canyon like hills, a black horseman , silvermirror macho men fighting and the singers face adorned on the skyline as liquid went down his face - definatly one of the best videos i've seen in a long while. Something cinematic without being too polished i.e. Lady Gaga.

2. The Good Natured - Warriors
I talked about this girl in another blog but i really can't say a badword about her. This is the first single that really struck me the brazen drum beat mixed with her lyrical poetry about alove story about love long distance. It might seem a bit Kate Nash but listen to the lyrics and the brilliant simplicity of the beat and you'll discover someone that deserves to be big in 2010

3. Ellie Goulding - Under The Sheets [High Quality]
Someone that has already got the accolade of Sound of 2010 is Ellie Goulding though this is the only song of hers that stuck with me i don't think it will be her year but this song which was released last year shows some real potential. Bringing together stamping syth and drum beats from the start with the added twinkle of a triangle making sure it caters for both indie and pop fans. Lets hope that her other singles have just as many hooks and pretty production.

4. Shiny Toy Guns - When Did the Storm begin? [FULL VERSIO
I've loved this band ever since i heard their cover of Stripped, orginally by Depeche Mode, putting the energy and SEX for a 00's take on an 80's classic. This song however is off their second album which for some reason i find impossible to download anywhere and even when i ordered it last year on hmv stocks ran out and there seems to be none since- due to this my only contact with the album is through youtube:( It a shame cus as many fans of The Shiny's know Carah Faye left and was replaced by a girlicious reject and its quite a transformation and a good one at that. The beats are bigger the hooks catcher and though I do miss Carahs's voice I couldn't see this record any other way. The problem still remains though that while the lyrics are good the repetition of lyrics seem to be the mask for awe inducing beats too good to get rid of and not enough lyric ability to produce any more meaningful writing. This is clear in this stand out track with the phrase 'Call my name Answer me where I stand' used as a chorus and counter to the rapping of Binary Finary , this is seen also in Ricochet their first single off the album. This song i feel just gets the emo electro power ballad to the tee brilliantly building up of guitar riffs, storms, weather reports and synth to successive choruses and then to the final explosive chorus which fades off into the next song.

5. Manic Street Preachers This Joke Sport Severed Patrick Wolf
A song/album celebrating the late/missing Manic Street Preachers member remixed b y Patrick Wolf - mess or absolute joy. Without a doubt this is my favourite remix ever it truelly plays with the song - not just giving it a stupid repetitive back beat as in the generic remix - but actually creates its own landscape. It maybe too experimental for some, with many broken beats and added bits of anything from violins to rewinded pieces of the original track. Built as a love song to the lost preacher it arouses the sentimental reflective and power which i think most remixs lack or care for.

6. Ou Est Le Swimming Pool: 'Dance The Way I Feel'
This has to be one of the best tunes to put on at an indie clubnight, you can just hear the depeche mode and pet shop boys influence updated with a funky tune that you literally want to dance the way you feel to. Supporting La Roux on her last tour Ou Est hopefully can make it big this year without such screeching vocals which often annoy after time- i mean La Roux surelly can't last much longer.

7. diana vickers jumping into rivers mp3
Quite a cute track from the 2008 XFactor finalist who who has that Dido voice and Imogen Heap melody behind her. Chilled and relaxing her debut single -not this one- coming out this year sometime lets hope it goes further then her ex-lover Eoghn Quigg's shameless attempt.

Happy Listening
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The Sugar Diet

Teeth operation day:
-Mouth still numb - put it like this if I tried to snog you my lips would go in any direction they wanted and you'd have a big pile of slobber on your face.
-My mum is making fish pie, it smells so good but i'll have to wait a few hours before i can sample her efforts.

Overall i'm feeling rather odd, my Mouth feels like i've got a lip transplant from Pete Burns

But i have this werid sense of optimism that somehow this year may finally completly turn my world to the better. Thats only if i don't give up - this comes an hour from the dentist saying you need to give up sugar otherwise you won't have any teeth left - scary stuff. So it really is make or break.

Just looked up if alcohol has much sugar in it. It doesn't but:
'the sugar content in most alcoholic drinks, including beer, can really damage your enamel. Some beverages, such as sweet wines or mixed drinks involving sodas or citrus juices, can be even worse, adding a high acidity to the equation.'
So no nice tasty alcoholic beverages for me then :( As well as this I need to look up every type of shot to make sure it doesn't contain sugars. Better get looking up

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And another thing...

I always take things to heart or almost always - almost like my imagination helps create paranoia. I really need to chill for a bit, not take things so seriously for frig sake smile and think positively. I know at least two of my friends where this situation is needed desperately i take things way too seriously things go over the top i get wound up and things get a bit messy.

I just hope I have the determination to do so
Scratch that
I know I can do this

I think maybe all these ideas and ideologies are going to my head leading me to go too preachy on them. I know no one likes a preacher least of all me

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